All I have to say about this post is that Sid is lucky he’s dead.
I wouldn’t have believed that the events of the previous evening weren’t a dream (and a complete waste of REM!) if I hadn’t woken up the next morning to see the outline of a youthful face wavering in the air above me.
“How did you sleep?” He asked. I shut my eyes and rubbed them vigorously, making a last ditch attempt to prove that Sid was a figment of my imagination.
“Um, okay, I guess, considering that I’m being protected by my worst nightmare. If my worst nightmare were pubescent.” His lopsided grin was kind of adorable.
“Hey now, I’m not so scary,” he thumped my shoulder with a ghostly fist and it went numb like it had been shot up with Novocain. I hauled myself out of bed for my routine morning trip to the porcelain throne. My mind was so scrambled that I didn’t even notice the horrid wall paper I’ve been mentally abusing since we moved here. I splashed my face with water from the sink and looked at my reflection. I looked a little haggard and a little scared, but I enjoyed the soft glow my skin always had immediately after I washed it. Or I would have enjoyed it, had I not noticed at that moment that Sid was standing right behind me.
“WHAT THE HELL, MAN?” I screeched. “I am USING THE BATHROOM!” He looked uncomfortable.
“You’re vulnerable in here. What if something sucks you down the drain? I’d never know.” He mumbled.
I gestured at my body “DO I LOOK LIKE I WOULD EVER IN A MILLION YEAR FIT DOWN A DAMN DRAIN?” I could feel metaphorical smoke coming out my ears.
“Well, there-there’s a window! Something could come in that!” He stammered. I rolled my eyes.
“Oh my god, Sid. If something came through the window you would hear it break. I mean, in an emergency, what could you really do?” It was out before I realized how rude it was. The question hung in the air for a moment before Sid stood to his full height, puffed out his boyish chest a little and said with the utmost pride:
“I was told to watch over you. Every day. Every night. Every minute.” A horrible possibility occurred to me and I drew breath to yell but my life-challenged friend held up his hand (through which I could see my loofah hanging from the shower head). “If you were ever to be in real danger, Forgotten powers beyond your belief would be here almost instantaneously. You are important. Your protection is worth my after-life. This is my task and so long as you are under this roof you will not leave my sight.”
I was impressed against my will with the speech, but I was pissed as hell. “Have you been watching me pee for four years?” I inquired through clenched teeth. I saw Sid note my narrowed eyes and fisted hands. He crossed his arms.
“Yes,” He said, defiantly, lifting his chin. He looked pretty proud of himself, but his eyes were scared.
“Have you been watching me shower and bathe for four years?” This time he couldn’t help smirking a little. I wanted his smirk to die painfully.
“That’s kind of the best part of my job.” My nails were clenched into my palm so tightly that the skin was in danger of breaking.
“When I’m alone…with…myself…” I was so embarrassed that I couldn’t even finish the sentence (by the way, screw you, I’ve been single a long time!). His face broke into a full fledged, shit-eating grin.
“I take it back” he said, with more confidence than I had seen from him so far. “Watching you shower is the second best part of my job.”
With an inarticulate noise of rage I launched myself at him, but I went right through his smokey form. For a second I got that feeling of chewing minty gum and having all of the air you breathe in seem wintery cold no matter how warm the air around you is, only on my whole body.
When I looked up at him, his face was morose again. “I thought that might make you mad. But it’s kind of a bad idea to try and hurt me physically ‘cause I can rearrange myself so that you go right through me.” I glared at him. He let out one of his patented emo Sid sighs. “Want to go meet the girls?” He asked. I was indeed curious about these “girls.”
“Can they help me kill you?” I asked in what I hoped was a terrifyingly soft and lethal voice. He smiled a little.
“Nope, already dead.”
I got to my feet, scowling. “Whatever. Let’s go.”
